What Is a Side? The Complete Guide for Gay Men (2026)

Q: How do I meet other sides?

You can meet other sides through dedicated dating apps like SideFocus, community forums, social media groups, and local LGBTQ+ meetups. SideFocus is the first webapp built specifically for the side community and is live now. The iOS app is coming soon.

The Definition

A "side" is a gay or bisexual man who does not prefer anal sex. That's the core definition. Everything else is personal preference.

Sides enjoy other forms of intimacy — oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage (rubbing together), cuddling, kissing, massage, and emotional connection. Some sides are open to anal occasionally. Some never do it. Some haven't decided yet. All are valid.

"Side" was created by sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort to give men a word that describes their experience without forcing them into the top/bottom binary.

Being a side isn't about being scared, inexperienced, or prude. It's about knowing what you like and being honest about it. It's about consent and preference. It's about refusing to let someone else's framework define your sexuality.

What Sides Enjoy

Sides are not "missing out." They are choosing different forms of pleasure.

💋

Oral & Manual

Blowjobs, handjobs, mutual masturbation, and frottage. These are primary sexual activities for many sides and can be deeply satisfying.

🤗

Physical Intimacy

Cuddling, making out, body contact, massage. Many sides report this closeness is more fulfilling than penetration.

💬

Emotional Connection

Deep conversation, vulnerability, shared experiences. For many sides, the mental and emotional bond is the main event.

🎭

Kink & Play

BDSM, roleplay, toys, and other sexual expression without anal. Sides have rich, varied sex lives.

🏠

Domestic Intimacy

Cooking together, shared routines, building a home. Many sides prioritize day-to-day partnership.

🌈

Community

Finding other sides, sharing experiences, building culture that doesn't center anal as the only "real" gay sex.

Myths vs. Reality

Let's clear up the misconceptions about sides once and for all.

Myth	Reality
"Sides are just closeted or in denial."	Sides are confident in their preferences. They know what they want and aren't afraid to say it.
"Sides can't have real gay sex."	There is no "real" gay sex. All consensual sexual activity between men is real gay sex.
"Sides are boring or vanilla."	Sides have diverse, creative, and fulfilling sex lives. They just don't center anal penetration.
"Sides are just tops who haven't tried bottoming."	Many sides have tried anal and decided it's not for them. Preference is not inexperience.
"No one wants to date a side."	Sides date other sides, open-minded partners, and versatile men. The dating pool is real and growing.
"Sides are asexual."	Sides are sexual. They enjoy sex — just not anal penetration. This is different from asexuality.

Frequently Asked Questions

Everything you wanted to know about being a side.

What is a side in gay culture? +

A side is a gay or bisexual man who does not prefer anal sex. Sides enjoy other forms of intimacy including oral sex, mutual masturbation, cuddling, kissing, and emotional connection. The term was created by sex therapist Dr. Joe Kort to give men an identity outside the top/bottom binary.

What does side mean in gay relationships? +

In gay relationships, a side is someone who prefers sexual intimacy that does not involve anal penetration. Sides may enjoy oral sex, manual stimulation, frottage, cuddling, kissing, and deep emotional connection. Being a side is about preference, not inexperience or fear.

Are sides common in the gay community? +

Yes, research suggests that 30-40% of gay men identify as sides or prefer non-penetrative sexual activities. The side identity has gained significant recognition as more men feel comfortable claiming the label outside the traditional top/bottom framework.

How do I know if I'm a side? +

You might be a side if anal sex doesn't appeal to you, you prefer other sexual activities, you feel pressured to identify as top or bottom but neither fits, or you've tried anal and decided it's not for you. Sexuality is a spectrum and you don't need to be 100% certain to use the label.

Can sides have fulfilling relationships? +

Absolutely. Sides can have deeply fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships. Many sides report higher relationship satisfaction when partnered with other sides or understanding partners who respect their preferences. The key is honest communication and finding compatible partners.

How do I meet other sides? +

You can meet other sides through SideFocus — the first webapp built specifically for the side community, which is live now. You can also find community through forums, social media groups, and local LGBTQ+ meetups. The iOS app is coming soon.

Can a side date a top or bottom? +

Yes, many sides successfully date tops, bottoms, or versatile partners. The key is honest communication about preferences and boundaries. Some couples negotiate sexual activities that work for both. Others have open arrangements. There's no one right way as long as everyone is consenting and satisfied.

Is being a side the same as being asexual? +

No. Sides are sexual and enjoy sexual activity — they just don't prefer anal penetration. Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction. The two identities are distinct, though some asexual people may also identify as sides.

What is SideFocus? +

SideFocus is a dating and community app built specifically for gay and bisexual men who identify as sides. The webapp is live now at sidefocusapp.com. The iOS app is currently in review and coming soon.

What Is a Side?